I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
