we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
