Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
