Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize