that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
found the other keg... it's in the tree
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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