Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
