i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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