I accidentally had phone sex last night
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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