I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
