I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
