I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
