ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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