He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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