On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
