ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
