Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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