I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Randomize
