Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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