I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
