I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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