My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
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