I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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