Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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