Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Randomize
