I just threw up on my dentist
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
