do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
