he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
