so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
