dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
i drank out of a bidet.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
