I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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