I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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