dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
