Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
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