thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
this beer tastes like vomit already
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
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