Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
