I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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