rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize