My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
