3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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