You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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