nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize