i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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