my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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