We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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