While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
