can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
