Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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