you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
