i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize