i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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