Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
