This dress was meant to end up on your floor
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
