I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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