those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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