Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
