i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
