life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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