Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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