I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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