so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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